Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
