I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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