This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
