so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
