Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
