Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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