We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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