i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
