The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
