Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
