so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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