tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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