Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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