Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
