so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
