Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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