I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
