He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
