The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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