I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's blow job season.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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