So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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