Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize