I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
