Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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