My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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