IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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