ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
