It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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