I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
