He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
