I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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