I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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