Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize