You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
