I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
