The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
