I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Who wears a wallet chain?!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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