I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Boobs are out for the taking
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
