from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
