Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
