you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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