1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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