I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize