I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
