M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I die, sorry about rent.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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