Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
