It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
