Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize