His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
