also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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