apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
