I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
