i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Boobs speak an international language.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
