What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
