life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
