She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
