My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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