he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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