My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
