We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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