If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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