Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Found the puke drawer
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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