beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
